My days after

I bought a photo frame yesterday, a brush steel 4x6, to hold dad's picture. That was a passport picture which turned out unexpectedly good. We had the negative but the photo shop refused to develope it - the frame is too small for the machine, too much has been cut off - so they claimed. So we had to scan the picture itself and blow it up, 4x6 ended up looking ok.

Dad had had a lot of pictures taken in his life time. There was this duffle he brought home from work when he retried that he told mom to throw out, which she never did. In it was his tax papers, paycheck stubs, (even) cash and many pictures scattered all over. I found a picture of granddad (the only one I have) standing in front of a school where he was supposedly the principal; and another picture curiously enough featuring dad in front of the same school, must have been more than 60 years after.

We shredded most of what's in the duffle. Dad didn't have a lot of stuff (he wasn't the materialistic kind) at home but we still couldn't keep everything. So when it came to stuff to save, I picked those that I could use, including a few neck ties. The green one can be seen on his book cover. The red and the other green one, mom and I had picked out for him. I couldn't remember where, or even when, but I remember them. I wore the red one to work today. I can't use his pants or shirts, they're too big, but I am carrying his wallet - a maroon leather Coach with a coin compartment, practical and pretty nice - mom and I picked that out for him too. I am now 7000 miles from where he rests, perhaps all these can bring me closer to him.

Upon my dresser is a black and white family picture. I was three months old sitting on dad's lap. It must have been an exiciting time for him, a brand new home and a brand new baby; a brand new life, the future was unwritten but surely full of hope. It shows on dad and mom's smiles.

We all expect life to get better everyday, at least in general. And the last few years have been good to the family. Financially my brother and I have been well off enough. So having us off his back, even though dad had retired he could afford to whatever. Dad went to a few places with his friends, New Zeland, England to watch ball games, etc. Mom and dad boarded their beloved cruise ship as much as they could. They won't admit it but I've always thought they enjoyed it. So it shouldn't be surprising that it has been hard on mom. She breaks down everytime she calls.

It's human nature that we all make plans for the future, we expect there'd be a next time, a better time. In my closet I have a paper hat I saved from new year 1998 that we got from casinos in Reno. We spent new year's eve of 2007 in a casino too. It was less than 2 hours drive from where we lived. Dad liked the blackjack table and mom liked the buffet, and there was the midnight celebration. We were going to go again the next year. But that was the last time dad came to stay with me. We had no idea that would be the last time we'd visit these Indian casinos, the last time we'd celebrate new year together.

It was 2005 the Monday after Thanksgiving. We were on our way back from a trip to Vancouver when we stopped by this outlet in Oregon. I saw this Christmas tree and I thought it was going to be an awesome Christmas. It was.

I know many people have gone through the same process, some of my friends have too. It's the myriad of experiences in life that enrich us and make the journey worthwhile. I get it. But I will always hate this part.